you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
