I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
