he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
