Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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