i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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