I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
