did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
