In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
