96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
