Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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