this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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