cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
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I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
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You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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