I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
