At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize