I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
