): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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