My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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