my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
