this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
