do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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