If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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