Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i dont even know how to be here
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
