My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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