you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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