Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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