If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
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Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
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YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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