Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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