I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You can't motorboat a personality
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
