what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
