Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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