glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
