The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
