Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
