and you said cock pushups were impossible
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
