We're facebook friends in real life
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
