I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
is that a dick in a sweater?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
