I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
