I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
