dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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