i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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