his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
