How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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