you have to choose: penises or morals?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize