i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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