How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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