i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
