11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
