Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
