I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
