And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
