happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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