Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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