A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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