no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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