Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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