I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
